While searching for more information about Solzhenitsyn, I came across this article at Bruderhof Communities about dating and courtship. I was trying to say this very thing to one of my children a couple of days ago, but I didn’t say it well.
We teach our young people that Christ must be the center of every relationship. For this reason, any relationship leading toward marriage naturally comes under the spiritual guidance of parents and pastors. Without this it is extremely difficult for two people seeking to build such a relationship to keep their priorities straight. Emotional and physical desire, which have their rightful place, can too easily take the upper hand and skew one’s judgment.
A healthy, growing relationship cannot be rushed. It takes time to see whether it will blossom or not and what kind of fruit it will bear. Because parents know their children best, they especially can help two young people discern if they are really meant for each other. Therefore, before spending much time alone, a couple is urged to spend time with each other’s families. They are also encouraged to write to each other and in this way begin to share their hearts openly and honestly. Only when the couple—and those they have confided in—feel that God has drawn them together for marriage are they ready to become engaged.
Young people should form friendships and spend time together in groups and as families. Then “courtship” can best be done within communities of like-minded believers, and it takes time and seeking of wisdom from others who are praying for God’s will to be done. Community and family are meant, not to be restrictive, but rather to support and protect young people as they grow into marriage and families of their own. There is no exact pattern for courtship, but some general rules are:
1. Young people should not “pair off” until and unless parents and families are aware of the special friendship that is developing and approve.
2. Families should get to know each other as families before two young people spend significant time alone together.
3. Everyone concerned should take enough time to be sure the relationship is honoring to God and enriching to the couple involved.
4. The couple and their families should share similar values and ideas.
In my group, that is called courtship. We watched a video series on the subject several years ago.
In my life, that WAS called courtship. I was asked to go through a Bill Gothard style courtship prior to marrying my wife. I submitted because I loved her very much. But I am VERY much against courtship, and have vigorously fought those in the homeschool community who have pointed to me and my homeschooled wife as examples of courtship.
It does not work for a variety and multitude of reasons. But mainly, because parents do NOT let their children make up their own minds on the issue. Instead, many parents try to lock their kids into courtship by “contracts”, promises, or guilt and emotional prodding.
As probably the only ones (or maybe one of a very few couples) around the homeschool community, who has actually gone through it myself – my wife and I are somewhat experts. I’d be happy to discuss it more if you like. I’ve lived through all four of your “general rules”. Not many people can say it.
I’d be very interested to hear in more detail what you don’t like about the courtship model, and what you would suggest in its place. I’m not much of a Bill Gothard fan. It just seems to me to be wise for families to be involved in the whole process. While I haven’t seen many “courtships,” I have seen many, many tragic dating relationships–some of which ended in marriage and some of which didn’t.
Well, I have no beef with your four criteria. I personally followed them to a “T”. However, I did so because I was asked to, and because I loved my wife enough to submit to a practice I saw as unnecessary and extra-Biblical – the “new” courtship.
I have problems with the new model of courtship being floated around homeschool circles these days. The process I think you are describing is what most homeschoolers call ‘dating’ until you get to #2 and #4. Meshing two families together with their own background, ideas, and values is not a Biblically prescribed pre-condition for marriage. Its practical, and wonderful if the families get along, but not a requirement. Otherwise, your kid could never marry a converted Muslim or atheist. Also, there is the argument about what happens if your adult child is falling for another adult from hundreds or thousands of miles away. If you like that other adult well enough to go visit that family, or have them come visit you – there’s no possible way you can look your adult child in the eye and tell them you don’t want them to marry that person. Your adult child won’t (and shouldn’t) be persuaded not to marry someone just because you don’t like his family or their values. So at that point, #2 and #4 become moot.
Truly, if you like an adult well enough to let them into your house and seriously talk with them about what they see in your kid, and where they stand in relationship with God – you can’t really say no unless they’re just a heathen. Any adult with a credible testimony and apparent good morals can’t be turned down. If somebody’s out to pull the wool over your eyes, you can be assured that they will keep up the charade just long enough to win approval, and that the challenge of keeping up appearances will only spur them on. You may think that’s crazy, but I have seen it happen, I have seen it tear families apart, I have seen it!
I’ve got a litany of other problems with the new courtship (mainly dealing with its impartation of guilt and denials of personal responsibility), but if you intend to approve of your adult children dating whomever they wish, as long as they are God-fearing men and women, I think your kids will do well. I pity the children of the strict “new” courtship families. Unless they’re practicing betrothal, they’re in for some serious heartbreak – enough to equal that of any dating relationship, and more, because Mom & Dad ‘approved’.
Also… I just don’t hear of people practicing the “new” courtship with much success. I think most people who go to the extreme are actually practicing “betrothal” and just calling it courtship. What I hear of people successfully doing is what I call ‘dating’. Spending time with family because its convenient, happy, and wanted. Not because its forced, tense, and a requirement.
Anyhow. My Pop, a church elder, says that true Biblical courtship means going down to a watering hole and finding the best-looking young woman possible. If you’re not married in a fortnight, something’s wrong. =)
I married a godly on-fire Christian young man 20 years ago. My family has been evangelical, holiness, solidly Christian for 3-4 generations on both my mom and dad’s side. Many have become pastors and missionaries. My husband’s family has a history of nominal Catholic, lapsed Methodist, atheism, alcoholism, divorce, you name it. A high school girlfriend’s family “adopted” him and brought him to church where he became a believer. We “courted” in a sense… I did not date and he had to ask me to pursue a serious relationship which I agreed to after asking every question possible and praying about it… we did seek the approval of his family (“whatever”) and my family (“the church has taught us to keep our hands off adult children’s business”) and neither objected. But we would never have married if our families had had to share similiar values and ideas. God saved my husband mightily from sin and death and has given him the blessings of a large homeschooling family and plenty of leadership opportunities in the church, home school community, and the “world”.
If God saves someone from a non-Christian family, how will they ever marry someone from a Christian background if the families have to be similiar in values and ideas?? Both families in our case had no objection to the relationship and marriage – we wanted to honor our parents as much as we could, even his alcoholic divorced dad. But his family couldn’t care less if our relationship was honoring God or not.
In my ideal world, my childen will marry intelligent, talented, homeschooled Christians whose parents are wonderful Reformed Christians and all of them will live within 50 miles of my home so I can live happily ever after. But I can make that my idol… what if God has other plans for my children? Is it possible that He may lead some of my children to marry people who were educated in the government schools (gag!), who are from non-Christian families (horrors!), to live far away from me (no way!!) or even be missionaries on the other side of the world (I guess that would be OK) or even to marry someone from another racial or cultural background (I have friends who would freak out over that!)
We have to be very, very careful to trust God. He may bring a Rahab or Ruth into our family. In the old Testament we see good dads having good sons, good dads having bad sons, bad dads having bad sons, bad dads having good sons. There is no air-tight formula for producing good children – and no one way to find a life partner.